Totally Spaced Out

So I have to make a correction on my last entry.



Apparently I spaced out trying to remember the words Jesse can say. I have an online journal for him that I started before he was born. I log all his development there and apparently when I was writing my notes to transfer to this blog I either missed this information or didn't log it in the journal.



Anyway - On top of the 18 words mentioned in the previous note, he also knows flower, hot and yay. He said "yay" the other day and I thought to myself, yay is a word so he's been saying that one for a while it just clicked that it as a word. (blonde moment)



He's been saying flower for a while too but it must have slipped my mind in the journal. I have a shirt with a huge flower on it and he loves to look at it. Just yesterday I was folding the clothes and that shirt was in there. He pulled it out and cuddled with it. He loves it!



Apparently he started saying hot on Saturday at my mom's house. So the total is 21 words. Still my least favorite is stuck!

He is such an awesome little boy and I feel so blessed to be at home with him. It so rewarding!!!

Update

Hola! It's been far too long since I've updated this blog but unfortunately with an 18 month old around there isn't much time to actually sit and type anything meaningful.

I can't believe my baby is nearly 18 months old. That is insane. He is growing so fast and I am loving every minute of it (except how fast it's going). He now knows 18 words: dada, mama, kiki (kitty), cracker, nana, baby, be bu (belly button), mon (moon), ba (ball), uh oh, star, stuck, po tart (poptart), ice, mellow (marshmellow), stairs, dog, papa. My least favorite of which is stuck. He totally knows what it means and he uses it all the time. He'll throw a ball (which he is really good at. he has great aim.) and it will roll under the couch and he will let us know (loudly) that it is stuck. He's seen me lift the ottoman for him to get to the ball, so now he thinks he can lift it and he tries! Then, when it doesn't budge he says "stuck". It's a vicious cycle. :)

He has a chair, that belonged to my mom when she was little, in his room and he loves to climb up in it, sit down and then scoot out. He will do this for hours. He's also learned how to walk down the smaller set of steps by himself. Typically he throws balls and toys down into the hallway and, again, lets us know that they are "stuck". Now all we have to do it open the gate and he will go down and play in the hallway with the ball. He loves to throw it at the steps and watch it bounce back to him. This kid has an amazing arm. If he's looking at you with a ball in the "cocked" position, you had better watch out becuase he will throw it directly at/to you.

We took him to the Ashville, North Carolina to let him see the snow. He totally loved it. Jeremy went with the youth group and we went along to hang out. We got him a snow suit and a pair of snow boots - he looked adorable. Jeremy let him sit on his snowboard and Jesse was able to use it as a sled. He had so much fun.

Jeremy's parents are still living with us and looking for a job. Steve has had several interviews and is in the process of a 4-5 part interview process with a company in Montgomery, Alabama. You're prayers are greatly coveted during this difficuult time.

That about wraps it up. I'm sure there is more but seeing as how it is after 9pm, ther rest will have to wait.

Christmas 2008 Photos

2008 - Reflection

I realized today that it's too late to type a letter and get it sent out in time for Christmas so I figured I post it here instead.

2008 has been a busy year for us. Jeremy has been with Gwinnett County Fire for 6 years now. He graduated from his Paramedic class in March and passed his Driver's test in September. I am so proud of him. With his Paramedic certification, he has been able to pick up a few shifts a month at Jackson County as a part-time Paramedic. It's definitely help us on our journey to becoming debt free. Jeremy is still with Twin Tigers Karate Academy in Winder, Georgia. Due to his busy schedule, he only has time to help out with the Demo Team, which he loves. He gets to share the love of God through Karate.

Jesse has grown so much this year. I can't begin to tell of all the growth that has occurred this year. Just in this calendar year, he's learn to crawl, walk and now he's trying to run. He knows several words and loves to have conversations with invisible people that none of us can understand!!! It's rather funny. He'll walk over to the bookcase and point to something (nothing) and begin to scold it. It cracks us up!!!

He weighs 23 pounds, 10 ounces and he's 31 inches tall. He is the sweetest little boy ever!!! He is a mommas boy but he LOVES his daddy. When Jeremy comes home from work, Jesse's eyes light up!!! I love watching them together. Jeremy is such an amazing father.

I can't believe Jesse turned 1 in September!! Now he's 15 months and I just can not believe it!! It seems like just yesterday he was born and so teenie tiny!! Now he's just amazing!!! I have been so truly blessed with an amazing husband and a beautiful baby boy!!!

God has been so gracious to me. He has worked things out and I have been a stay at home mom for 15 months!!! I am so grateful to Connie and Mike Monahan for allowing me the opportunity to work for them from home. It has been a tremendous belssing and I have been able to spend every waking hour with my little miracle!!!!

As for what's been going on in my life - I love being a mommy!!! It is the bestest job in the whole world!! I take my responsibility as a parent very seriously. I am realizing everyday that Jesse belongs to God and he is on loan to us for a very short time - which is evident in how fast he's grown and how fast the year has gone by!!!

The latter part of 2008 has been somewhat stressfull. Jeremy's parents moved in with us at the beginning of September. Steve lost his job in Arizona in March of this year. They moved in with their daughter Malinda and her family in Florida. For several reasons (mainly Steve's medical issues) they moved up here after Jesse's birthday. With the downard fall of the economy, Steve is having a very difficult time finding a new job. We covet any and all prayers during this difficult situation. We are praying that the new year will bring new opportunities. He has a few possibilities but they aren't wanting to hire right now.

Even with the ups and downs we all face, we look forward to seeing what God has planned for us in 2009. In August, we embarked on Our Journey to Financial Freedom!!! God has been amazing in providing part time hours for Jeremy and all the money he makes go to help us pay off our debt. I am very excited to see where our journey takes us in 2009. You can check out our progress and see how God is providing for us at http://www.journeytofinancialfreedom-theaustins.blogspot.com/

May your Christmas season be truly blessed!! Remember - Christmas is a birthday!!!

Merry Christmas 2008

Jeremy, Grace and Jesse

One more song

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

What a friend....

Lately things have been quite overwhelming and for the first time in my life I feel stressed. That may sound funny but for me, my outlook determines how I interpret the way I feel. Usually, I feel overwhelmed and not stressed. The main difference I've noticed between the two is that stress actually has physical and mental effects - being tired, sore, aching muscles, feeling depressed, not wanting to get out of bed. I can say I've honestly never felt this way in my entire life. The best way to describe it is like I'm in a pit and I can't get out nor do I have the will to. It's the scariest feeling I've ever. I could actually feel myself sinking farther into this pit. Thankfully, God allowed me to take a step back and realize how I felt; to see how destructive this pattern could become.

Most of my stress is self-induced. Just me taking on too much (in my mind). I love the quiet, it is there that I feel closest to God. When I'm still I can hear Him. But apparenty I've allowed myself to take on way to much and my thoughts have consumed me. There's the upcoming election, reading Revelation - wanting to soak up as much information about the end times as possible, and a few other things. God has been showing me that I am not allowing Him to bear my burdens for me. I ask for help and direction and then I keep the burden on my back instead of leaving it with Him, as if I can do a better job of finding the answers. Isn't that the way it always is?? :) I am finding healing through praise and prayer. I am still very weary and I still have a lot to learn. God has given me a song that has brought me comfort and I wanted to share it with you:

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry, every thing to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry, every thing to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in Prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful? Who will all our sorrow share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer.
In His arms He'll take and shield thee, thou wilt find a solace there.

I can't help but wonder what caused Joesph Scriven, the writer of this great hymn, to pen these wonderful words?

I looked up a few words - to gain a new perspective and this is what I found:

Cumbered - to weigh down; burden; to hamper or hinder; to litter or clutter up; a hinderance
Refuge - shelter or protection from danger
Solace - to alleviate or comfort

Father God, I've allowed all the things in life to clutter up my mind and to be a hinderance to me; to weigh me down. Lord, forgive me. I need your arms to shelter and protect me from the burdens I've borne. Please, Father, bring me comfort and alleviate my stress. Thank You Father for the privilege to carry my burdens to you. Thank You for always listening and carring for me so much. I can pray the exact same thing every day and You never grow tired of it. Please give me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow, Great is Thy faithfullness, Lord unto me!!!

So Sorry.....

It's been nearly 2 months since I've posted anything and things have been crazy around our house. For those of you who don't know, Jeremy's parents have been living with us for 2 months now. Steve started having random seizures in August and was in and out of hospitals in Florida. (Rewind - he lost his job in Arizona in March 08 and they were living with Malinda and her family (Jeremy's sister) in Florida until the beginning of September.) Once they arrived here in September, he had another seizure and they took him to Emory where he remained for 2 weeks. Upon leaving Emory he was sent to a Rehab Facility for another week. Since being released from Rehab, they've been with us. Thankfully, he is getting better!! The doctors are fairly sure the seizures were caused by a virus that attacked his brain, causing swelling in parts of his brain. His follow up MRI is tomorrow and we are confident that God has provided the healing we've been praying for. We are still praying for a job for Steve and we would definitely covet your prayers for that as well.

As for the rest of us, Jesse is growing like a weed. He's walking so well and trying to run. He gets so excited when we go outside and he absolutely loves the outdoors. He's learning more words and sounds. He's even picked up on the baby sign language we've been trying to teach him. He is such an amazing little boy and I never grow tired of watching him grow and change. I only wish it wouldn't fly by so quickly. It seems like yesterday we were bringing him home and embarking on this wild and crazy journey. Now he's nearly 14 months old and... WOW!!! That's all I can say.

He is definitely developing a little personality. He is beginning to test the waters to see what we'll let him get away with - this is a super fun stage. :) He is so sweet and loving. He loves to cuddle and I love cuddling him!! Sometimes I still can't believe that he's mine. I know that probably sounds crazy but sometimes I feel as if I'm living a dream. I love him so much!!!

Jeremy is working hard. He received his Paramedic license in April of 2008, YAY!! Lately he's been working part time for Jackson County as a Paramedic to bring in a little extra cash. We are desparately trying to get bills payed off and learn to live according to God's financial plan. I wish we'd done this years ago!!!

Jeremy is the most awesome dad, ever!! Jesse loves him so much - you can see it on his face. He knows his daddy and nothing can keep him from Jeremy. I love watching them together. I know they will be best buds. Jeremy has far exceded my expectations as a dad. He is amazing with Jesse and I am so thankful for that.

As for me, I've been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I have so much on my mind that the only way to sort through it is to tell it all to Jesus. Thankfully, He doesn't grow weary listening to the same prayers over and over. I somtimes grow weary in telling Him the same thing over and over and over and over and, well you get it. But I know He cares about the things on my mind. He wants to bear my burdens for me and I am gladly willing to share them. Unfortunately, I am still learning to leave those burdens at the cross and let Him fully bear them.

September was a good month for me - my baby turned 1 and I've finally lost all my pregnancy weight. I still have about 10 pounds to go to be where I want to be, but I am healthy and in good shape and that's what counts the most. I hate that's it taken a year and next time I don't plan on gaining nearly 50 pounds. :)

So that about wraps it up. Life's been hectic but I am so thankful for the life God's given me.

WOW!!!!

I can't believe that my baby boy is a whole year old. Time flies and that is so unfair. He is walking and jabbering and just growing entirely too fast. I love him so very much.

Jesse's birthday was on Sunday and the day didn't go how I had hoped. But by the end of the day it turned out perfect. Jeremy and I got some tacos and had a picnic at Little Mulberry Park. Jesse swang on the swings and we did the seesaw. Then Jeremy played catch with Jesse. I was able to get a lot of great pictures. After the park we went to Scoops and Jesse had a scoop of birthday cake ice cream.

Saturday we did his party with family. He had cake everywhere. He'd take a handful and throw it. He had so much fun.

I can't believe how much he's grown over the past year. He is so much fun. Sometimes I still look at him and think, "Is he really mine?" "Am I living a dream?". I love him so much!! He has been such a blessing in our lives.

Happy Birthday, Jesse Ryan!!!

Beach Vacation

I can't believe an entire week could go by so fast!! We planned for months and months and then it was over in what felt like minutes. Oh well!

It was nice to get away, but it was a lot more work than I had anticipated. Taking a 10 month old to the beach will wear you out. I feel like I need a vacation from the vacation. :)

Jeremy and I had planned on staying a few extra days after my parents went back home. After the first trip to the beach, we decided it was best for us to leave when they left. There was no way we could have done this trip by ourselves. I will be eternally grateful to my mom for being willing to spend her vacation time with us.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. We had wonderful weather and the beach wasn't overly crowded. We did have a little fiasco at our orginal hotel. Let's just say that the photos in the brochure and on the internet did not match the rooms we were given. I don't think any of us would have felt comfortable taking a shower in the bathroom. Our room was supposed to have a full kitchen in it. It looked like they had busted out the wall, put the kitchen in and never really finished it. There were tiles missing and paint chipping off the walls. Needless to say we packed up and left. We went down the road to the hotel I wanted to stay at from the beginning. (we didn't book with them because the price was too much) They gave us the same type of room we had at the other place for the exact same price. God worked it all out in the end. In fact we both ended up with kitchens!!

Our joke of the week came from the first hotel. Jeremy and I had brought the luggage cart into the room but the door would't shut because there wasn't enough room. As we're unpacking, this guy walks into our room, looks around and then says, "I didn't realize this was a guest rom." and walks out. We were like, "Hello, there are numbers on the door just like all the other guest rooms." Then I kept thinking, what would he have done if we hadn't been in the room. So, needeless to say, we didn't feel real safe there. (When we got everything worked out at the other hotel, we were glad to see that they had 24 hour security and a monitored parking garage.) For the rest of the week, anytime one of us would come in to the others room, we'd always say, "Sorry, I didn't realize this was a guest room."

Jesse absolutely loved the beach. The first night we took him down, he ate the sand. He got better as the days went on, although he never gave up trying to eat it. He would crawl around until he got to the water. He would laugh and giggle and screech when the water came up to him. He liked to scratch the sand much like a dog would scratch dirt to bury a bone. He'd get on all fours and just start scratching at the sand. It was rather amusing.

The last day we spent at the beach, he learned to mimick the seagulls. At first it sounded as if he was calling dolphins, but Jeremy said it sounded more like seagulls. It was cute...at first. Then came the ride home. With the exception of the hour long nap he took, we rode home with a screeching seagull in the back seat. That was super fun!!

Anyway, we had a blast and while I'd like to permanenlty move to the beach, I am glad to be home.

Reminiscing

I was looking through some photos of Jesse just hours old. I can't believe how much he's grown and how it feels like it was just yesterday that we embarked on this incredible journey. As I think back to the days and weeks after his birth, I am reminded of how "scared" I was. Here was this little baby and with no questions at all they were letting us take him home ~ we were solely responsible for him. I wouldn't have admitted it then, but I was scared.

I wish that I could go back now that I have a better understanding of how fast time actually goes by. I feel the need to write about thoughts and feelings I had after Jesse was born. I want to apologize to anyone that felt I was distant or rude ~ I certainly didn't not mean to come across that way. I realize that becoming a mom has different effects on each person.

For me, I just wanted to be alone as a family; to soak up every moment with this new little person. I felt that by letting someone else hold him, I was somehow losing time with him. I was suddenly aware of the passage of time the day after we brought him home. It seemed like that day, and the days after, passed in a blur. Time was no longer on my side, but continually steeling time away from me and my baby.

I know Jeremy was worried about me. I cried at least once a day for 2 weeks. I tried my hardest not to and the one day I made it all day without a single tear, they came that night. I was scared but I don't know exactly what I was sacred of. It's just a baby, but I think the lack of sleep and fluctuating hormones was more than I could actually take. I never felt depressed, just overwhelmed. I was so happy and fulfilled but I couldn't quit crying.

Lot's of people came to visit and I do want you to know that I love you all very much and I am so thankful to have friends and family like you guys. But I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, that I did not mean to come across rude or distant. I was overflowing with emotions that I had never experienced and I just wanted to be alone.

One thing I find ironic about the situation is this: Jeremy didn't want people to visit us in the hospital because he wanted that time for us. But I insisted that people would want to come by and that it would be fine. It would be rude not to let them visit. But I didn't realize how much I would want to be alone. Again, I do appreciate all the visitors we had at the hospital and at home. But if I could do it over again, I would be alone. Just me and Jeremy and Jesse, learning to be family.

Perhaps the reason for my crazy emotions was due in part to the fact that after Jesse was born, he was taken to the nursery and he stayed there for nearly 5 hours. I spent maybe 15 minutes with him after the birth and then he was gone for so long, maybe that's why I felt so disconnected. Once we made it to the recovery room, I kept asking the nurse to bring my baby to me. Apparently every woman in the county had had a baby at the same time as me and the nursery was overfilled.

I cannot describe the emotions I felt in those hours where I didn't have a baby. I know I had a baby, but it was a baby that I had only held for 15 minutes and the he was gone for 5 hours. I remember watching the clock and every time the nurse came in we'd ask again and again. Honestly, I was a nervous wreck. It maybe wrong to even suggest this, but in some small way I maybe able to sympathize with someone who has give their baby up for adoption. I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, but for 5 hours I had this emptiness that I cannot explain.

It makes me sad to think of the first few days and weeks of Jesse's life because emotionally I was still a wreck, my hormones were so crazy, not to mention the fact that there was no sleep. :) But I love that little boy so much!!! I only wish I had been more stable emotionally. I haven't ever mentioned this to anyone, not even Jeremy, but I couldn't even sing "Jesus Love Me" to Jesse without crying until he was about a month old.

I'm not sharing these things so you will have pity on me or think I'm completely unable to care for my child. Jesse and I have bonded in a way I may never quite understand. I love him so much and he never ceases to amaze me. It has taught me that just because I didn't get to hold my child until 5 hours after he was born, does not mean that we would never bond and mother and baby.

I am using this as a way to say I am sorry if I came across rude or distant to any of our visitors. I do appreciate you all very much. I just want you to understand what I was going through so that if in any way you felt that I was different or strange, you would not hold it against me. I know you wouldn't but I just wanted to let you know anyway.

This has been difficult to write as I have cried several times through this post, but it has been eye-opening for me. It has give me a chance to think through and remember the early days of Jesse's life; helped me to understand why I felt the way I did. So even though I wanted to apologize, this was more of an outlet for my thoughts. I appreciate anyone who was read through this entire post, thank you!!!

For anyone out there who has felt this way ~~ let's talk!!!

Goodnight all,
Grace