Reminiscing

I was looking through some photos of Jesse just hours old. I can't believe how much he's grown and how it feels like it was just yesterday that we embarked on this incredible journey. As I think back to the days and weeks after his birth, I am reminded of how "scared" I was. Here was this little baby and with no questions at all they were letting us take him home ~ we were solely responsible for him. I wouldn't have admitted it then, but I was scared.

I wish that I could go back now that I have a better understanding of how fast time actually goes by. I feel the need to write about thoughts and feelings I had after Jesse was born. I want to apologize to anyone that felt I was distant or rude ~ I certainly didn't not mean to come across that way. I realize that becoming a mom has different effects on each person.

For me, I just wanted to be alone as a family; to soak up every moment with this new little person. I felt that by letting someone else hold him, I was somehow losing time with him. I was suddenly aware of the passage of time the day after we brought him home. It seemed like that day, and the days after, passed in a blur. Time was no longer on my side, but continually steeling time away from me and my baby.

I know Jeremy was worried about me. I cried at least once a day for 2 weeks. I tried my hardest not to and the one day I made it all day without a single tear, they came that night. I was scared but I don't know exactly what I was sacred of. It's just a baby, but I think the lack of sleep and fluctuating hormones was more than I could actually take. I never felt depressed, just overwhelmed. I was so happy and fulfilled but I couldn't quit crying.

Lot's of people came to visit and I do want you to know that I love you all very much and I am so thankful to have friends and family like you guys. But I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, that I did not mean to come across rude or distant. I was overflowing with emotions that I had never experienced and I just wanted to be alone.

One thing I find ironic about the situation is this: Jeremy didn't want people to visit us in the hospital because he wanted that time for us. But I insisted that people would want to come by and that it would be fine. It would be rude not to let them visit. But I didn't realize how much I would want to be alone. Again, I do appreciate all the visitors we had at the hospital and at home. But if I could do it over again, I would be alone. Just me and Jeremy and Jesse, learning to be family.

Perhaps the reason for my crazy emotions was due in part to the fact that after Jesse was born, he was taken to the nursery and he stayed there for nearly 5 hours. I spent maybe 15 minutes with him after the birth and then he was gone for so long, maybe that's why I felt so disconnected. Once we made it to the recovery room, I kept asking the nurse to bring my baby to me. Apparently every woman in the county had had a baby at the same time as me and the nursery was overfilled.

I cannot describe the emotions I felt in those hours where I didn't have a baby. I know I had a baby, but it was a baby that I had only held for 15 minutes and the he was gone for 5 hours. I remember watching the clock and every time the nurse came in we'd ask again and again. Honestly, I was a nervous wreck. It maybe wrong to even suggest this, but in some small way I maybe able to sympathize with someone who has give their baby up for adoption. I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, but for 5 hours I had this emptiness that I cannot explain.

It makes me sad to think of the first few days and weeks of Jesse's life because emotionally I was still a wreck, my hormones were so crazy, not to mention the fact that there was no sleep. :) But I love that little boy so much!!! I only wish I had been more stable emotionally. I haven't ever mentioned this to anyone, not even Jeremy, but I couldn't even sing "Jesus Love Me" to Jesse without crying until he was about a month old.

I'm not sharing these things so you will have pity on me or think I'm completely unable to care for my child. Jesse and I have bonded in a way I may never quite understand. I love him so much and he never ceases to amaze me. It has taught me that just because I didn't get to hold my child until 5 hours after he was born, does not mean that we would never bond and mother and baby.

I am using this as a way to say I am sorry if I came across rude or distant to any of our visitors. I do appreciate you all very much. I just want you to understand what I was going through so that if in any way you felt that I was different or strange, you would not hold it against me. I know you wouldn't but I just wanted to let you know anyway.

This has been difficult to write as I have cried several times through this post, but it has been eye-opening for me. It has give me a chance to think through and remember the early days of Jesse's life; helped me to understand why I felt the way I did. So even though I wanted to apologize, this was more of an outlet for my thoughts. I appreciate anyone who was read through this entire post, thank you!!!

For anyone out there who has felt this way ~~ let's talk!!!

Goodnight all,
Grace